BBS Toolkit/BBS Toolkit.iso/rbbs_pc/newz20.zip/QUOTE.DAT

Text File | 1992-05-25 | 9KB | 350 lines

When a woman behaves like a man,
why doesn't she behave like a nice man?
-Edith Evans(1888-1976)
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I am at two with nature.
-Woody Allen
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Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
-Unknown
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I'm thirty years old, but I read at the
thirty-four-year-old level.
-Dana Carvey
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If I die, I forgive you;
If I live, we'll see.
-Spanish Proverb
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We had a quicksandbox in our backyard.
I was an only child, eventually.
-Steven Wright
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Alimony is always having to say you're sorry.
-Phillip J. Simborg
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Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
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If God listened to every shepherd's curse,
our sheep would all be dead.
-Russion Proverb
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Never try to walk across a river just because it has
an average depth of four feet.
-Martin Friedman
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Parents are not interested in justice,
they are interested in quiet.
-Bill Cosby
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I drink too much.
Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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We've upped our standards, Up yours.
-Campaign slogan by Pat Paulsen
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Voters want a fraud they can believe in.
-Will Durst
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Go Braves!
and take the Falcons with you.
-Bumper sticker in Atlanta
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I moved to Florida because you don't have to shovel water.
-James "The Amazing" Randi
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The ethical argument regarding abortion hinges on the
question of exactly when life begins.
Some people believe that life begins at forty.
-Kevin Nealon
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Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to
gnaw through the leather straps.
-Emo Phillips
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It's a dog eat dog world,
and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
-Kelly Allen
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Swallow a toad in the morning if you want to encounter
nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.
-Nicolas Chamfort(1741-1794)
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In spite of the cost of living, it's still popluar.
-Kathleen Norris(1880-1966)
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Curiosity killed the cat,
but for a while I was a suspect.
-Steven Wright
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A painter can hang his pictures,
but a writer can only hang himself.
-Edward Dahlberg (1900-1977)
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When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation,
he offered to touch up my X rays.
-Henny Yougman
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We are here on earth to do good to others.
What the others are here for, I don't know.
-W.H. Auden (1907-1973)
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The meek shall inhereit the earth...
if you don't mind.
-Graffito
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What can you say about a society that says that
God is dead and Elvis is alive?
-Ivr Kupcinet
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Churches welcome all denominations,
but most prefer fives and tens.
-Unknown
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It is said that life beigins when the fetus can live apart
from its mother. By this definition, many people in
Hollywood are legally dead.
-Jay Leno
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Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
-Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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Many men die at twenty-five and aren't buried until
they are seventy-five.
-Ben Franklin (1706-1790)
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I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky,
but there's never any gum under any of them.
-Emo Phillips
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Have you ever dated someone because you
were too lazy to commit suicide?
-Judy Tenuta
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I'm dating a woman who, evidently,
is unaware of it.
-Garry Shandling
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Physics lesson:
When a body is submerged in water,
the phone rings.
-Unknown
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Men are nicotine-soaked, beer-besmirched,
whiskey-greased, red-eyed devils.
-Carrie Nation (1846-1911)
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Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty-one
is a menace to the community.
-Brigham Young (1801-1877)
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Women complain about premenstral syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month
I can be myself.
-Roseanne Barr
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National Condom Month is coming soon.
Hey, there's a parade you won't want to miss.
-Jay Leno
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What do I know about sex? I'm a married man.
-Tom Clancy
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I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of tobasco sauce.
-Susan Vass
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My wife an I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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When Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner,
then I'll clean the house.
-Roseanne Barr
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As a novelist, I tell stories, and people give me money.
Then finacial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
-Martin Cruz Smith
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If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end,
it would probably Labor Day Weekend.
-Doug Larson
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Death is nature's way of saying "Your table is ready."
-Robin Williams
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If you shoot mimes, should you use a silencer?
-Steven Wright
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I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle,
even though it wasn't mine.
-Rita Rudner
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Some guy hit my fender, and I said to him,
"Be fruitful and multiply,"
but not in those words.
-Woody Allen
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Capital punishment is our society's recognition
of the sanctity of human life.
-Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah
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Prostitution, like acting, is being ruined by amateurs.
-Alexander Woollcott (1887-1943)
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I hate people, people make me pro-nuclear.
-Margaret Smith
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For birth control I rely on my personality.
-Milt Abel
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D'oh!
-Homer Simpson
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I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
-Emo Phillips
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Instead of getting married again,
I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard
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When they asked George Washington for his ID,
he just took out a quarter.
-Steven Wright
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If I had known my son would be president of Bolivia,
I would have taught him to read and write.
-Enrique Pernaranda's mother
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A penny saved is a Congressional oversight.
-Hal Lee Luyah
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It took me a hour to bury the cat,
because it wouldn't stop moving.
-Monty Python Show
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The cure for writer's cramp is writer's block.
-Inigo DeLeon
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I have played over the music of that scoundrel Brahams,
what a giftless bastard!
-Tchaikovsky (1840-1893)
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If the doctor told me I had only six minutes to live,
I'd type a little faster.
-Isaac Asimov
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Violence never solved anything.
-Ghengis Khan (1162-1227)
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America is a mistake, a giant mistake.
-Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
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Hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil,
and you'll never be a television anchorman.
-Dan Rather
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In Green Bay, Wisconsin, ten bowling shirts are
considered a great wardrobe.
-Greg Koch
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We aren't worried about posterity;
we want it to sound good right now.
-Duke Ellington (1899-1974)
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneris
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Errol Flynn died on a seventy-foot yacht with a
seventeen-year-old girl. Walter's always wanted
to go that way, but he's going to settle for a
seventeen-footer and a seventy-year-old.
-Mr Walter Cronkite.
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Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
-Unknown
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I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.
-Bette Midler
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My karma ran over your dogma.
-Unknown
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In Ireland, a writer is looked upon as a failed conversationalist.
-Unknown
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Having your book turned into a movie is like
seeing your oxen turned into bullion cubes.
-John LeCarre
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The shortest distance between two points is usually under repair.
-Unknown
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Sin is geographical.
-Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)
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Reality is a collective hunch.
-Lily Tomlin
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I don't consider myself bald, I'm simply taller than my hair.
-Tom Sharp
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Condoms aren't completely safe,
a friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
-Bob Rubin
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I once made love for a hour and fifteen minutes,
but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.
-Garry Shandling
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There's nothing like a Catholic wedding to make you wish
life had a fast forward button.
-Dan Chopin
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I married the first man I ever kissed,
when I tell my children that, they just about throw up.
-Barbara Bush
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Adults are obsolete children.
-Dr Suess
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There ain't no rules around here!
We're trying to accomplish something!
-Thomas Edison
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Success is women you don't even know walking around your house.
-Saturday Night Live
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Is it a bigger crime to rob a bank or open one?
-Ted Allan
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A Chicken McNugget doesn't die any easier than baby fur seals.
-Ted Nugent
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Peter (Gabriel) and I had a very big affair for many years,
and it was very painful for a lot of people-
including his wife.
-Rosanna Arquett
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The longer Ferdinand is dead,
the more perfect he's becomming in my mind.
-Imelda Marcos
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And now, the sequence of events, in no particular order.
-Dan Rather
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Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied
even to prayer.
-Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow,
but phonecalls taper off.
-Jonny Carson
-EOF-